I remember when I was in the middle of my journey with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. My therapist introduced me to the “anger iceberg”. I was in the thick of my journey of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, and I was angry. I realized over time that I wasn’t just “angry”. My anger was actually just the tip of the iceberg and was masking what I was really feeling. What emotions is your anger masking? Save this post for later and come back to it next time you feel angry to uncover what you’re really feeling.

Sex can be many things. It can be beautiful. Fun. Wild. Passionate. Mysterious. Exhilarating. Intimate. Magical. Sweet. Tender. Enjoyable. Relaxing. Or even sometimes, “just OK”. But after experiencing infertility, miscarriage, or pregnancy or infant loss- sex can also be many more things. It can be complicated. It can be scary. It can be triggering. It can be painful. It can be sad. For many, there’s this weighty feeling when it comes to sex of “can you (or even should you) experience joy or pleasure when your heart is so unbelievably broken?”

At their core, infertility, pregnancy loss, and infant loss share one major thing in common: grief. For some couples, it may be the grief of losing a baby. For others, it may be the grief of what they imagined life would look like, the loss of time, or the loss of their fertility. Grief, no matter its cause or its form, is complicated.

Sex is vulnerable, and when you are already in a tender state of grief in the midst of infertility or after pregnancy or infant loss, sex can be really triggering. You might be reminded of when you got pregnant with your baby who died. You may be so focused on fertile windows and timed intercourse that sex just feels like a not-so-fun task and just a means to an end. You may feel conflicted about wanting to get pregnant after a loss, but then feel guilty for even thinking about conceiving again so soon. You may feel terrified or anxious at the idea of getting pregnant again. Your relationship with your partner might be a little more fragile than it used to be. Of course, sex is as unique as the couple, but there are common emotions and mind frames many couples going through infertility or loss may experience.

After nearly 7 years and 8 unexplained recurrent pregnancy losses, hundreds of tests, countless medicated treatment cycles, 3 rounds of IVF, and 3 "second opinions" from fertility specialists in 3 different states, I learned over time 24 helpful questions to ask your fertility specialist during your first appointments.